A good friend and a member of my competitive tennis team was recently diagnosed with cancer. Our group rallied together to assemble a nice gift basket of her favourite things.
I thought it would be kind of fun and "ohhh sooo her!!!" to get something a little X-rated - so, after rehearsing my "it's for a friend" speech, off to the video store I went, parking right in front of the "We Carry Adult Movies Too!!" sign. Obviously this is not Rogers Video. To get what I wanted I needed a specialty retailer - this particular one being a small privately owned shop with not much in the way of latest releases - but the kind that should have lots of porn. Confidence is key in these situations so I swept in with my head held high (although I have to admit I was wearing big dark sunglasses) and said "I'm looking for a movie."
The owner said, "Funny. That's what we sell."
Well make me freeze Mr. Repartee! I completely forgot my speech and started to blabber on to Mr. R. about my friend - oh she's so great great tennis player too wears lots of black and always looks great I know because she's on my team which is great that's how I know her but she's not playing right now not that she doesn't want to but she can't because she's not doing great she has cancer can you believe it but she'll handle it just fine because she's so strong and she's so funny and she's so great and did I say she has cancer oh yes but don't worry it's an 85% chance of recovery but it's bummer all the same and wouldn't it nice to make her smile?
"Borat?"
I see Mr. R. is confused.
I shook my head at which he started to pull out other comedies - family comedies, romantic comedies, fart comedies. "No. That's not what I was thinking of."
So then he goes over to the "Comic Live" section and starts throwing videos at me - this guy's blue collar, this guy's Indian, this guy's ironic - Mr. R. likes ironic - this guy's really a woman. "No, no, NO! Well, we're getting close with guy that's really a woman... "
But he doesn't listen.
He brings me over to the drama section - Forrest Gump (excuse me - drama?!) - I tell him Jenny dies of cancer - how about something else??!!!!
And then an epiphany. I may be wearing black stiletto boots and dark sunglasses but who am I kidding?!! The last thing this guy thinks I am going to buy is porn! He's racking his brain, he's pulling out every Disney friendly thing he's got but he goes nowhere near the porn!! This woman plays tennis, makes casseroles and reads "Goodnight Moon" - but no waaaay does she watch porn!!
And of course, I'm strategizing - I've been here for 20 minutes and I haven't brought up the porn. I can't suddenly say, "Hmmm. Well "Monty Python" doesn't hit the mark - but what do you think about "Ass Sex Live"?
So what's a good girl to do? Well, I point to the caged adult section and say "how about there - anything funny in there?"
Silence.
For a long time.
And then Mr. R. says - evenly, carefully "No. There's no comedy in there. Lots of ADULT movies, if you know what I mean, but nothing funny in there. Not quite sure it's something a sick friend would want."
And then he just stares at me.
Ohmigod he thinks I don't really have a sick friend!!!!!
And with that, I left.
I wonder how badly my friend wants a porn movie? Maybe I should just give her my dark sunglasses.
