The Circle of Government Services Life

I have lots of government beaureaucracy horror stories - too many too count but I can't say I have ever been pissed off enough to write about one - until now!

My beef is with Passport Canada. My passport was due to expire in the new year. I was meaning to go to their offices to renew - had all my supporting documentation but with working on a large deal 12 hours a day and then trying to fit my kids in somewhere it just didn't get done. Enter my hubbie who decided to take the matter into his own hands and send my application and supporting identification (including my precious citizenship card) through the mail and - why waste ten bucks?? - non-registered. It should be noted that being a Canadian citizen, not by birth, but by immigration, the citizenship card is the most important piece of documentation I own. I cannot get any government documents processed without it.

The timing here is also important - early December - just a couple of weeks before the government announced the new passport policy for entering the United States. I thought I beat the rush. I was wrong.

Waiting. At first I didn't take too much notice but when weeks turned into months I thought, hey, even a fat government isn't this slow! And just to give this story some urgency, I had important business travel in the next month and a half. Well not important, but it was an award trip for the big deal I struggled long and hard to win the last eight months of 2006. My company has a reputation for being somewhat miserly in the way of perks so I wasn't going to let this trip go to waste!

Off I went to Passport Canada to find out what happened with my application. After a not too long wait in line, I stood in front of the all important "officer" - a young chubby, four-eyed plain jane who looked like she belonged behind an issue of Knitting Quarterly and not in front of a high-strung, high-flyer who just lost her most important personal documentation.

After a few clicks on her computer Knitter Girl (that's what I like to call her) looked up and said "It's lost in the mail."

Lost in the mail. Sort of like "the dog ate my homework". "Gee." I said. "How does the computer figure out it's lost in the mail?" She looked puzzled. I felt compelled to go on. "Look. In, the last fifteen years, I have never had a Christmas card go missing, never had a electricity invoice arrive late, never had a credit card bill skip a month. Never! And now, a Passport application, in a very distinctive "Passport Canada" envelope, suddenly gets lost in the mail? You have thousands upon thousands of applications waiting to be processed at your Ottawa offices, probably all of which have been sitting there as long as mine, but you decide to tell me that it is, most definately, lost in the mail?!"

So Knitter Girl asked me what I thought had happened. I didn't realise I was an expert in government document processing, but since she so earnestly sought my wisdom, I took a shot at some possibilities. "Well, maybe it fell off a desk. Maybe it's sitting in Passport Canada's mailbox waiting for someone to answer the front door. Or, maybe somebody stole it."

And this is where things went downhill.

"Omigod. Like, I can't believe you said that."

"Said what?!"

"You think someone from Passport Canada stole your documents?"

"Well, I don't know. It's as good a possibility as lost in the mail."

"Oh, like, omigod. I mean I tried to help you but forget it. You obviously want to do this on your own."

I looked at Knitter Girl intently. What a waste of ten bucks an hour.

"Ok I said. "I need my passport. Your job is to help me. I need your help so how about getting me started here?" She thought about it for a while. And thought about it some more. When I realised she was going to spend lots of time thinking about it I said, "Well, if you can't help me can you please get your manager to?" She quickly finished thinking.

She told me I had to start the process all over again. Since I lost my citizenship card (I didn't bother to correct her - "THEY" lost my citizenship card) I had to reapply. Then I had to apply for my passport and supply my plane ticket. I explained my company's travel agent does not supply a plane ticket unless I have a valid passport. Ok she said, you don't have to provide a plane ticket. Wow. Instantaneous flexibility! That's more like it Knitter Girl!!

So - off I went to apply for my citizenship. This was already going to be difficult since the average wait time for a citizenship card was 5-7 months and I was going to ask they do it in two weeks. I put all my documentation together and then realised I was short one piece of ID. Rules stipulate you must provide two provincial pieces of identification. All I had was my drivers license and my health card. The problem was my health card was still in my maiden name (something I meant to change but never bothered to do). I was told it would not go through without a change to the name on my health card.

So off I went to the OHIP offices to get my new health card. Of course, they needed some identification - specifically, my citizenship card! I could not get a citizenship card without a health card and I could not get a health card without a citizenship card! This is what I pay taxes for. Circular entertainment.

So I decided I would take a chance and actually come face-to-face with a real sympathetic human government employee who would take immediate action to process my application. Ok, I am dreaming about the face-to-face part. Specifically, I wrote a letter chastizing Passport Canada. And, damn if I didn't get them right, they took pity on me and processed my citizenship card in ONE WEEK!!!!

Now for the reapplication of my passport. I waited 2 hours in front of some sleezy movie producer who was on the phone with a director lamenting the heftiness of one of the "dancers" they hired. And I thought I had problems.

When my number was called out, I looked for my friendly helper but she was nowhere to be found. Damn. I wanted to tell her about the 7 day turnaround on my citizenship card - beat that Knitter Girl!!

A very nice lady with awesome bangles [read bracelets] served me efficiently and effectively and even followed up with a phone call to confirm some data. Wow! I can feel the love! She said it should arrive on my doorstep within 10 days. I was optimistic!

5, 6, 7, ,8, 9, 10 days. No passport. Pinch me I just woke up. So I called Passport Canada. Busy. Called again. Busy. Called and called and called again. Busy, busy and more busy!! The old "busy telephone game" - yes I know all about that one. So I called 411, got the local number, and voila - a real person on the other side of the line! Never let it be said that Passport Canada will stand in the way of Bell locking up some serious long distance charges! I was told my passport was "in-process". I said, "Great but how do I get it to "my doorstep"?" I told them I had a pending flight in a couple of weeks and that this was urgent. "Well, you can't do anything. It will come when it comes." Another waste of 10 bucks an hour.

No less than 20 days later my passport finally arrived. It was a long, hard fought fight. I am embattled but satisfied. I never gave up. I got what I wanted and they didn't get to me. Take that Passport Canada. Take that.