Shopping a week before Christmas makes me groan, packed malls make me want to scream, but upon leaving an Abercrombie & Fitch store I am always left with the feeling of being unhinged.Yes, it's obvious I hate this particular "retail experience". Certainly my only desire upon entering an A&F store is to immediately get out - but it's Christmas and my Goddaughter is a huge A&F fan so off to the music dungeon I go. As I enter, I can't help but feel like my kind is not welcome. I'm too cynical, too drab and I'm definitely too old. I think it's the intention of the wise old (ha) marketing folks at A&F to make it as untenable as possible for anyone over 20 to stay longer than 5 minutes (that's how long as it takes to pick up any old $35 logo t-shirt and pay the cashier). For those of you who have never been, you may ask "how bad is it"? Let me paint the picture.
You walk into an A&F store. You get the feeling you've been there before - someplace a long time ago where the weather was hot, the food awful and the drinks really cheap. You can't quite put your finger on it but you begin to get the feeling that you are entering the Disney version of a skanky underground Mexican dance club you stumbled upon back in 1986. It has cleaned up considerably but it's still loud, dark, smelly and FAKE.
So how dark is it? Dark enough that you can't tell if you have blue jeans or black jeans in your hands. Dark enough that you can't see the counter of sweaters behind the shelf of t-shirts across the bank of cash registers and - wait - aren't those store fixtures all spray painted the same custom A&F "Elk Grey"?! Dark enough that you can't match any of the clothes because good luck actually seeing what colour they are so you just pick up a white $35 logo t-shirt because worst case if it isn't white maybe it's pink and that goes with either blue or black jeans. And you don't think about the fact that when you buy that logo t-shirt you are buying free advertising for A&F because it's so loud in there you want to get out.
So how loud is it? So loud that when you ask the salesgirl (who is gorgeous) "how much is it", she can't understand what you are saying and yells back "Whaaaat did you saaay?" and you repeat more loudly, more slowly, "hoooowww much isss it?" to which she shrugs and she smiles and hands you a $35 logo t-shirt to try on with the jeans you aren't sure are black or blue. You take the logo t-shirt and jeans and you go to the cash and the male cashier (who is gorgeous) tells you the total but you can't hear him so you don't know how much cash to give so you just hand over your credit card and it's too dark to see the total but thank God they have signature capture because it lights up like a beacon against all that A&F "Elk Grey" and you see the total is $170 and you freak out and want to ask how much those jeans cost but who are you kidding, the cashier can't hear you so you just sign the receipt and take the bag. And you don't think about the fact that you are buying free advertising because you notice an odour coming from above and it's getting to you because it's really strong, it's really smelly and you have to get out.
So how smelly is it? So smelly you're sure a bottle of Glade air freshener just broke, its scent shooting straight up your nose like a molecular guided missle, so fast and pointed that your head starts to ache, it starts to throb and you ask the customer next to you "What's that smell?" she says it's "Fierce" and you say "Whaaat did you saaaay?" and she points to a bottle and you get up real close so you can see and it's a bottle of cologne called "Fierce" and you panic because you now realise they are marketing each and every one of your senses, not just going for your eyes, not just going for your ears but now they're going for your nose, now pumping cologne through every vent in the store into every pore in your body so that if you don't buy "Fierce" at least you'll smell like it and you'll be walking down the street and someone will ask you what you're wearing and you'll say "Fierce". And damn if you didn't notice - they get you with their free marketing again! You feel so small (or is it smelly) and you feel so used, like you're their tool, their mannequin (did you notice there aren't any "real" mannequins it the store?!) and that makes you realise just how FAKE this whole thing is.
So how FAKE is it? So FAKE that when you touch the t-shirts they don't feel like cotton, they feel like paper and you ask the salesgirl, is this really cotton and she just smiles beside a picture of someone who looks just like her but the girl in the picture isn't working at A&F for eight bucks an hour, she's rowing a canoe in Nantucket in 1842 wearing A&F clothes from last season. And you feel so stupid, you feel so played, this whole thing is a sham, you spent thirty five bucks so they could advertise to your 10 friends and they haven't laid out a dime (except for the paper) and now your head starts to spin and you begin to sweat and the salesgirl doesn't have a rag so she offers you a $35 dollar t-shirt to wipe your forehead and you won't take it. No you won't take it! You're going to get out of there without that t-shirt; you're going to get out before they get you! You are not an A&F clone, you are not their marketing gizmo, you're a human being dammit, you have your own identity, your own feelings and you are going to leave with your beautiful blank body unadorned by their $35 logo t-shirt!
You escape through the doors, you can't see it's so bright - a bright white light. You can't see because your pupils can't dilate that fast but you know you are free. There is no dark, there is no loud music there is no bad cologne smell. It's the real outdoors (or at least the real mall) and you are free! Free at last. Free! Free! Free! Free!
And you say to yourself, I'll never go in there again. I'll never go back. I'll never be used.
That's great, of course, but now what do I get my Goddaughter for Christmas?
